Dead City Streets

a schizoid diary of love, loss and betrayal

Showing posts with label schizophrenia diaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label schizophrenia diaries. Show all posts

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

SchizophreniaDiaries.com - Anonymous Good News Schizophrenia Story

SchizophreniaDiaries.com - Anonymous Good News Schizophrenia Story

Posted using ShareThis
Posted by Unknown at 17:25 No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: schizophrenia diaries
Older Posts Home
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

About Me

Unknown
View my complete profile

Dead City Streets.

Dead City Streets.
my first book on schizophrenia.

guilt, shame and poverty

guilt, shame and poverty
an autobiographical piece of fiction.

about chipmunkapublishing.com

i only decided to become an author at 26 and even though i had already written my first autobiographical novel, 'dead city streets.' i could not find a publisher... several rejection letters later, it was suggested i try to find a mental health publisher for my work and so after searching the internet, i found the chipmunka foundation and found a medium that would support my efforts to get my voice heard.



thanks to jason pegler, andrew latchford, paul kirven and the chipmunka team i found there were others' out there who also wanted the world to read what they had to say about mental health issues and their time spent under psychiatric care. and so the story was born, as was my first novel out of love, commitment and determination to have the mental health debate laid bare by those who had suffered tormented visions of abuse, violence and hostility: as well as the real concerns of homelessness, drug addiction and poverty



the chipmunka foundation understood and supported me in my endeavor to become a published author through their publishing house chipmunkapublishing.com and are about to publish my second paperback 'guilt, shame and poverty' later this year. it is available now as an e - book by clicking on the blue picture at the top left of the screen, with the headline of the same name.



so if you liked this blog, support the foundation, mental health services and me, of course and purchase one of my two novels by clicking on the pictures which will lead you to one of two webpages that sell my work, and others' -



chipmunkapublishing.com and amazon.































96 pence pick`n,mix

cancer sticks (2) 11th hour blues (1) 22 jailed (1) Aoife? (1) GOD tm (1) HIV - AIDS (1) Jesus is the Devil himself (1) Juan King (1) SrL*8 (1) T.S. Eliot - period (1) a beautiful moment in time (1) a bluered heart and a post war dream (1) a dark place called heaven (1) a dear old lady (1) a schurch of saints (1) a spirit looking in through my window (1) a taste of cum (1) a whole lot of nothing (1) a whore called pickles (1) adolescence (1) arab fling (1) baa humbug (1) baby puggles (1) back phil fos (1) bad dad (1) beastly shadows (1) bedwetter (1) best man (1) betrayal (1) blade runner (1) bless your father (1) blinded by love (1) blues diary (1) bobajob (1) broken heart (1) broken heart #2 (1) bully you (1) bum note (1) capenhurst lane (1) care home blues (1) change of address (1) changing room diva (1) cheating demon (1) christian porn (1) cocklover (1) cockney rhyming slang (1) cretins (1) darrgotype (1) dead city streets (1) dead city streets #2 (1) dear john (1) desperate girl (1) determination (1) dirty words EP (1) diseased planet (1) dream lover (1) dream on loverboy (1) duress (1) etched into my heart (1) faith in the future (1) faith or death (1) father go figure (1) folly and his dolly (1) for the death of me (1) freedom and misery (1) gayboy (1) genius (1) go fuck yourselves (1) guilty feelings (1) haunted by you (1) having a bloody good wank (1) hideous creature (1) holy - day (1) hopeless romantic (1) horror (1) houdini did it (1) how to cheat a good heart (1) humility (1) i don't want to lose you (1) i sincerely hope you do (1) i understand the devil (1) i'm right again arent i (1) in the beginning... (1) its ok (1) jailbird bum fun (1) jerk (1) judgeing the father (1) kim (1) kiss my arse (1) last supper (1) leather and lace (1) liar (1) lies (1) listen... i am here (1) locke (1) lone star wandering (1) low hands (1) milliband and cameron (1) miscarriage (1) mockery (1) monsters (1) moody blues with a con (1) more porn (1) mother (1) motherfuck (1) mothers pride (1) mourning (1) mourning for another (1) murder (1) my wedded valentine (1) neighbours from hell (1) obelisk (1) paedo (1) paul (1) perfect stranger (1) perilous woman (1) pervert (1) picture 2 (1) polemical reality (1) protagonist (1) real love (1) rejected (1) religious witch (1) resolution (1) roadside professional (1) roll on 2012 (1) safe at last (1) schizophrenia diaries (1) scouse spouse (1) set a date for a mistake (1) sherileigh (1) short of breath and fond of heart (1) shotgun zealot (1) slut (1) someplace nearby (1) ssssslllluuttttttsssss (1) stenography (1) supergrass (1) swan song (1) sweet dreams (1) terrible f'ends #2 (1) terrible f'iends (1) the God delusion (1) the blues diary notes (1) the coroners court (1) the duke of lancaster (1) the ignorance of youth (1) the love drug (1) the next man (1) the oldest tale on earth (1) the one i love (1) the scent of love (1) the thing about children is... (1) the well (1) tramp (1) truth (1) try (1) try and try again (1) visions of Jesus (1) wannkakakakerrrrrr (1) what's it all about (1) why now (1) worried i'm certain (1) worthless female scum (1) year B (1) yesterday (1) youngsters (1) ~#:+_}2 (1)

i'm a hit! so hit me mutherf**ker!

the shithot army

new releases

Blog Archive

  • ▼  2012 (83)
    • ▼  August (5)
      • from the bowels of the earth: late summertime, for...
      • a black and blue heart
      • nihilism, porn and me
      • i called out loud
      • an only child
    • ►  July (10)
    • ►  June (16)
    • ►  May (13)
    • ►  April (6)
    • ►  March (10)
    • ►  February (15)
    • ►  January (8)
  • ►  2011 (19)
    • ►  December (2)
    • ►  November (1)
    • ►  October (2)
    • ►  September (3)
    • ►  June (1)
    • ►  May (1)
    • ►  April (1)
    • ►  March (3)
    • ►  January (5)
  • ►  2010 (40)
    • ►  December (2)
    • ►  November (2)
    • ►  October (1)
    • ►  September (4)
    • ►  August (6)
    • ►  July (3)
    • ►  June (15)
    • ►  February (3)
    • ►  January (4)
  • ►  2009 (22)
    • ►  December (11)
    • ►  November (11)

links to things i enjoy

  • anxiety culture
  • chipmunkapublishing
  • corporeal mind
  • humble piety - an inspiring blogger on God!
  • sabotage times
  • schizophrenia diaries
  • the beat
  • the horoscope junkie

more on me and mental health

  • Home
  • guilt, shame and poverty
  • for all the users, fuckwits and bullies of the world that cause me endless bouts of psychosis!
  • a treatise on recovery from schizophrenia
  • 10 hard won years
  • the blues diary
  • life at 30
  • about me and schizophrenia

corporeal mind

corporeal mind
my other blog

Popular Posts

  • strike fear into my heart then...
    lies, deceit and children. i know deep in my heart the slut that ruined me as as a boy took away 8 years of my life and stabbed me in t...
  • bring me faith or death!
    i was angry to witness the evil nature of human kind's plan the evil ones' stature hell, Lord above! i was a witness to his c...
  • smeegle (preciooouuuusssss!)
    threats to my safety are all too common i am afraid to say it's all my fault that i am afraid i couldn't keep my words seale...
  • the appliance of science ~#:+_}2
    there is nothing so frustrating than a chance to wretch i was missing the toilet and bought an appliance for my comforts' sake i ...
  • the ignorance of youth
    I would like to make a discourse on the humanity of the modern age We are born small and weak, stupid and ignorant, powerless and demandin...
  • single androgynous female
    total frustration with who i am i wish i was so much more i would admire myself for all i have done how many loved me i would rate my...
  • my wedded valentine
    when i saw her last visiting with friends she was married with children we were just friends but not so much as we were once she was ...
  • 23/11/07 my best friend
    you once cared deeply about our friendship but over the years we grew distant not sharing the best with me of all the moments where we...
  • leave me my saviour
    When will the times I have missed Come to visit me in this era of listlessness and rage I would forget another chance to make amends ...
  • a real mental illness
    the horror of this world at large rape, abduction and child abuse the filthy values of an evil generation the free press are akin to ...

chipmunka homepage

chipmunka homepage

Llay Rhoades - SoundCloud

prologue of guilt, shame and poverty

As a child, I had a conversation with my aunt about the history of our family. I was trying to trace my family tree and so I asked about my grandparents and I told her what I remembered of my grandfather, Bill Dutton. She must have had a real big problem with the issue of our genealogy as she told me on no uncertain terms that Bill was not her natural father. No, she and her siblings had a different father, who rather than being the war hero I had expected to hear about, was a Nazi war criminal.

I only had memories of Bill and fond memories at that.

So who was Victor?

Victor, it would seem was some sort of beast, an evil fascist. The story Barb taught me while still sat upon her stool had been handed down to all of the family at a particular age, 14. I had not expected to hear such a horror story of grotesque abuse in all my life except on the silver screen at home when I sometimes woke in the early morning because some unknown, creeping, image of a ghost had woken me from my sleep. Puberty in my particular family was seen as some dark, dirty thought that you ought to rub the babes’ noses in or to wash their mouths out with carbolic soap.

Yes, I was rocked to the core by the allegations my aunt whipped me with, saying her father was a child abuser and so as a matter of consequence and genealogy, I too was to become the most frightening thing I have ever been accused of being. I didn’t understand? But then again I professed I did and would take her word as the gospel to avoid ever becoming the devil she described that day.

For the rest of my life the legacy of Victor was always watching me, tapping me on the shoulder and making me fearful of ever being caught with my trousers down. Always reminding me of why my parents were divorced – because when I was 12 and my sister was 9, she was raped by a neighbour and the family fell apart. The curse of the family had struck its first blow to us, a young family trying to live, learn and make love. The spectre of Victor was born unto us.

I have never gotten over it. To this day I still feel as though I have something to apologise for because I am fearful of my base feelings and drives. I have been shown some ugly emotions as I grew into an adult but none compare to my own feelings of inadequacy, fear and hatred that I dredge up from the depths of my being whenever I reach inside for answers to the questions people demand of me.

And the demands are to fuck, lie and get wasted.

A psychic I called early in my thirties asked me ‘who do the following 4 words remind you of?’

‘Jealousy, fear, frustration, sexuality.’

I answered piously that the words were my very living malady. After all, I was a failure in human relations, assertion, work and sex as a schizophrenic. I had seen none of these things fruit for me in ten years. And really, I had no idea why I was so inept?

In previous years I had been battling with friends over the very ideals I held in my heart for the one I was seeking. One particular group of ‘friends’ had hurt my feelings many times before as they demanded I succumb to their way of living their lives. According to gospel of my friends,’ I was to get a job, pay my own rent, to give generously of all I have, smoke shit and listen to their false teachings on how to treat women; with contempt and hatred.

Yeah. Fuck, lie about it and get wasted.

I wasn’t interested in what they had to say. I had dreams by then of how my life could be and I had taken it upon myself to fight for my right to be respected as a human being and allow my feelings to show, to be heard and to be recognised! And that is why I have spent my life being beaten to a pulp…

These very words written down on this page are my escape. And will also probably be beaten to a pulp as well!

Even as a younger adult, I was criticised to the utmost by the friends I had made to ‘up my game,’ to respect my elders and to keep quiet about the more aggressive and abusive memories I remembered when I was psychotic. And I did but as I grew apart from these friends in my twenties I grew more suspicious that something was very wrong in my family and friendships. No matter how they treated me, I would not tell until my psychiatrist asked the obvious question.

‘What’s up at home.’

‘Everything.’

From the legacy of Victor’s passing to the current attitude of my family members; the seeds of something black, with evil intent was lurking within the whole family dynamic. I didn’t want to understand but nor could I seriously run away. The ‘voices’ would find me and they would kill me.

So, no! I do not understand why Victor was the beast he grew to be and I would not want him to be the dark thought that catches me someday making love and judges me according to the word that makes my head hurt and my ears ring. No, I am afraid the living are all too full of their own greed and lust for me to fear the dead. The beast that is the living have already left to find human flesh…

So, what about me, I may ask?

Well all the patience in the world has not rewarded me with the fruits of the firstborn and so maybe a commitment to the good Lord Jesus Christ will bring me the promise made to me as a child that we are all loved.

But why am I this way?

And how am I ever supposed to survive this transition?

order the e - book...

order the e - book...
... dead city streets

my first novel on schizophrenia...

my first novel on schizophrenia...
...available from amazon.

order the e - book...

order the e - book...
... guilt, shame and poverty: love, loss, betrayal
SrL*8 2009 - 2012. Travel theme. Powered by Blogger.