11 years and still on the road

11 years have passed
and i have
started to believe in
all that i can't
accept or control,
will no longer decieve me.
day begin and end
as always
without purpose or confusion
i read my books,
and study as much
the reality of this illusion
called mental illness.
it's humiliating at best
but i am innocent of all charges
so i proclaim and protest
that the crime's so confusing
i am convicted of faults
that are not my own volition
if there ever were a God
i want to hear his judgement.

thinking of mother...

sadness,
and solitude
my mother is alone
i have a job
i have a home
but i have no one
i can call my own
loneliness,
and anger
i feel so much
afraid,
that the friends i have
and the love's i wished for,
have betrayed me for being...
...shamed.

take it from me

apologies aren't common
in crazy times like these
if we were on
some other planet
we could all cry
and demand promises
well, i have made some mistakes in life
and i have picked at every scar
my spirit is broken
my blood is boiling
and i feel
i have come to harm
so this is what i have to offer
from one schizoid
to another
my devoted forgiveness
and with the world as my witness
i will let you have it all.

i fear your love

you demand of me
the child you will not let go of
to enjoy the fruits
peaches and kumquat's
in a snake pit of sin
and violence
to live amongst the pity
of your husbands children
and your lovers'
solitude.
my protest,
is that you have harmed
the one and the many of my heart
and we are not to blame
for your incensed guilt;
i am not your husband,
i am not your lovers',
i am not your child,
though, i admit - back then
i  was your friend.
and when friends
become at alms with one another
my heart fails.
i cannot love you, any longer.
let me be
or let me die -
in the arms of those that always did.

espouse

porn orphan
just a young woman
trying to live life
abused at the hands
of her bullying
espouse
took a walk to the docklands
to howl at the moon
for comfort and family
had abused her too
money,
hey honey!
how much can i charge?
she took all the shit
and bears all the scars.
she once wished so fondly
for what could have been?
the truth is that the lies,
have destroyed her belief
the matters may make us
a victim of 'why?'
the only rational answer
seems suicide.

leave me my saviour

When will the times I have missed

Come to visit me in this era of listlessness and rage

I would forget another chance to make amends

Forgiven all I have lost

And lonely

For a way forward out of the dark of solitude

I remember the face

But not the love

Nonce is the name of my ego

To punish myself with its meaning

Is not to say I am evil

Just isolated from those experiences

Of the people surrounding me

And an attempt to catch up

Where art thou’

Deity I swore

Love? I don’t believe it

Should I wait a little longer?

Try harder?

Maybe lynch myself in the hall?

Take one from the street?

The pressure I am under

Makes me an evil man

For it is you I swore

No other

I shall wait eagerly for your sign

Or no more…

I am sorry my Lord

I have found your wit in envy

And apologise for my escape from the fold

I will return in haste to where sanctuary lies

To be at your call

Should you need a voice

Or a friend

Or another man to do your bidding

Thanks for the joke

It got me an accolade!

I will remember the times we spent

Forging a path for others to follow

A boy grown a man...

i have been humbled, by man.

To set the world to rights

And enfranchise the belief in a marked reality

I began a course of isolation,

And discipline through abuse of the senses

And the will of mine enemies

For the malefic renunciation of those desires

That began my surrender to the world.

‘I will not accept,’ was my plea

‘These deeds are not my own’

But no soul heard my guilt

None other than the gods that swore my sentence

Gave a thought to what I may learn

Though the counsel of elders knew my prize, desired

And given.

Love, I jest - should have known my ignorance

If I was young still

I may even pass the litmus

And be free from all concerns that escape my reason

But I am not

And I let what I cannot change be

With good grace

Humility is mine for keeping

I learned my lesson well

I can be nothing less