28/11/07 day job dreams

early rising
to start my day
take time for some exercise
and write a page
switch on the tv
and watch the breakfast news
take a bath
and go the loo
dress for working
outside of town
cleaning off my working boots
with a mortar trowel
the day has just started
what will it bring
a curse, a blessing
or will my heart sing?

27/11/07 sperm bank

so your name's Vicky
i had thought it was Liz
i had given up on meeting you
i have totally given in
i wondered what had happened
to you one time
all those years ago
when we were in year 9.
did you get married?
did you have a few kids?
get a job at Tesco's?
or go to University?
well i just made some time
for writing stories -
and smoked a lot of dope
got drunk in local bars
and choked the chicken a lot.

26/11/07 L.A.F.S

now -
back then
when i really dont remember
i was living
in some special place
writing down my dreams
chasing rainbows downstream
and trying to find that face.
love at first sight
i cant ever forgive you
i think i remember your name
because i know
i cant replace you
and i dont want to see you again.

26/11/07 the gopsel of the virgin

long past a boy
before i grew a man
i did feel for someone special
someone i loved,
somehow
i need to remember that person
who they were
and why?
i wanted them here with me
sharing my waking life.
i guess i love another,
or have forgotten how to love at all
somehow i seek and discover
what this life is for.

26/11/07 morbid reason

smoke rises
and fills the room
outside evening passes
unaware of my reason
for writing this
has someway of making sense
i find my old work
disturbing
but also amusing
in the present tense
i feel anxious 'sudden
is my future waiting near?
the way i came,
- thatta way...
to here is strange
all i am is severed
and i can be alone i pieces
with me here, right now -
right now?

23/11/07 my best friend

you once cared deeply
about our friendship
but over the years we grew distant
not sharing the best with me
of all the moments
where we would drink and smoke
and play in the band
and i had hoped
that we would remain the best of friends
but this is'nt what you want
instead we both blame
each other,
for what cannot be solved
until love finds us
we must make it alone.

23/11/07 always the best man

why me?
why am i to be compared,
to the greater weight of Paul
does anyone love me
or am i on my own
can i be certain my wish will be granted
or am i to be much maligned
and guilty of malpractice
how do you win the heart of another
is it won with cunning
or just lay back and court her
i need a witness to prove that i love
though none are so true
as to deny i do?

23/11/07 : try and try again

i saw a comet pass
upon a blazing evening sky
where i was once despairing
i have grown and tried again

woken to a new day
i must attempt to start again
and my work is important to me
as it replaces a dear lost friend

for a short while i wish to discover
the meaning of who i am
so i can be alive and free
to try and try again.

14/11/07

i didn't mean to hurt my old dad
i am truely sorry for my dirt
he was ever present in my life
for want of a few kind words.
he grew old and lonely, slowly
never did phone or call
except for when he had the chance
i am sorry my old man
but i have learned
you're the only one who could teach me
on how to be a man
i learned from your example
and feel like a little lamb.

13/11/07

without a reason
to be in vogue
i am rejected
an outcasted fool
never loved,
i never cared,
for what is mine is also theirs.
i have suffered
and been stretchered out
left without reason
and never sought out.
wishing someone may cause me joy
and allow me to reckon
that i can fall...
reaching for reason
my inspiration is stress
these ideas swim lucid
in the mind of the depressed.

13/11/07

past friends and lovers
have become enemies and whores
vengence has been threatened
and lives have been bought
for their benefit
they use my ways
to suit themselves
and i am estranged
i never struck out or challenged your name
but you dont like me
so why should i be afraid,
to leave you lacking
in the lurch
fuck you all i have had enough
to get me through this
just leave me alone
i still dont need you
i am happy at home.

my wedded valentine

when i saw her last
visiting with friends
she was married with children
we were just friends
but not so much
as we were once
she was my lover and all i could want.
now i am sorry
for my ignorant youth
i could have loved her
but what was the use?
she's always with friends
and yet i am alone,
calling telephone psychics
begging she come home.

ghost ship

dark thoughts on a saturday
thinking of our father
chop wood, paint fence,
dig a pool for water
a gaggle of ducks
fly east across my window
good luck in attending
to seagoing vessels
i called a psychic, late this morning
i was brooding on fears
about my appearance
why do people hate me
he told me its the money,
you have a financial future
and thats all he could promise.

13/11/07

bringing together the parts i missed
forgetting transgressions
for which i am blessed
i dont hate to be any more
those things i once was
are left too far
away from me to care too much
and i can respect the subjects
on which we have touched -
- on to allow
an understanding to develop
relationships flourish and i smile.
making music,
writing books,
working hard and giving up drugs.

the blues diary

hi there and welcome back to my continued contributions to the mental health debate!

i have been gone a little while so i may complete my second published piece of literature, Guilt, Shame and Poverty: Love, Loss, Betrayal...

this particular piece of work focuses on my development over the past 10 years as i recovered from my diagnosis with schizophrenia. the book works around the tale of my grandfather, a Nazi war criminal, who's legacy remains rooted into the my family's prejudices towards mental illness. as the protagonist (myself) tells the story we discover his relationship with his family is far from stable and yet he has nothing but love for the children in his care... but still he is told to push off and discover for himself the meaning and value of a relationship. though, if he is not to be manipulated by those who care for him, then he is going to need his grandfathers help...

but until then i shall be posting excerpts from my Blues Diary. written around 2007/8 the poems contained therein are largely about my relationships with my family and dare i say it? the children in their care.

i think i should say no more and just post the poems as i read them and hopefully i shall have a grateful and broadminded audience that isnt so prejudiced about mental health issues they judge me according to their own narrowminded stereotypes.