desperation

the truth
about my illness
well, let me tell you
i am horrified
and sickened
by the level of abuse
dished out to me
as a child
because of my parent's
lies,
i am living a nightmare
through crying eyes

my heart
is in terror
my mind grieves
for all i have suffered
i'm being hunted down
by a murderous
crew of nonces
hounded by women
frightened of strangers
assaulted each day
for having faith
in Jesus

and what's
the pissing more
i am angry
that this world fucks
and yet i am to be judged
for waiting
for love
while my life
is in danger
of being abducted and killed
grown adults cheat
young men who hope

they say its my fault
and throughout my life
i've been called a liar
for telling the truth
they say i'm on drugs
and this mental illness
is nothing more
than a scheme to avoid
a day's hard work
well, i'll correct you there
my hands labour all day
and i am a witness

= to all that's been said.

someone else

i'm sorry mum
i didn't mean to shout out
all of my frustration
with my lifes' ridden doubt
all else is just my poems
of the things
we do and love
and the people
who have helped me
and the Lord God above
and i am sorry father
i didn't mean
to hurt your feelings
i know you're alone
and in need
of help
and don't think
i cannot hear you
i really do love you
mum and dad
but like you
i am often sad
because the ones' we love
can't be here with us today
`cause they loved
someone else.

a real mental illness

the horror
of this world at large
rape, abduction and child abuse
the filthy values
of an evil generation
the free press
are akin to the pornographers
they horrify us all
and champion the rape of children
the women of the world
would have us all pay
for their own brand of
entertainment,
as nature would have intended...
i am sure you are quite proud
of your lies and deceit
because you're all smiling
while i am cheated
of each and every beat of my heart
- you suffocate my chest
by stretching yourself out upon me
and treat me to rape whenever you see fit
and then even when i am certain
i am safe to complain
about this media hypocrisy
and that this world
cannot be real
you accuse me of being a liar
`cause i've a mental illness...

plaintiff

reading cards to find out
what's really at stake
in my life there have been conflicts
about who holds the power
over my heart

and changes remind me
of all i can possibly do
with the mind
that moves me to write
these words of honesty

to you,
i give of my effort
and my shoulder
to your burden
but then, in truth
the responsibilities yours'
kidder.

no baker raises anothers' loaf
few farmers stand in the field
a priest is a man
of the Lord
not a drunkered in town

i am a man of letters
and plan to interpret the law
for the one and many of our hearts'
and rule in the favour
of the victim, not the plaintiff.

32

tired of the words of God
i was searching for the truth
i had read to gospel
as handed to me
by a flate mate i used to know

i was looking for honest guidance
on the problems i suffered as a boy
as since i was a small
i have been totally ignored
when i have a crying out loud for help

but i can't find a word of wisdom
nor a sentence containing truth
i guess the Lord
works in mysterious ways
because he seems to excuse himself

he may be a witness to his creation
and to all i have ever fallen upon
but each verse seems to curse me
he wishes to kill me
for all my errors of judgement

so what, pray - tell
can i hope for now
i'm 32 and much, much older
i have given my words
i believe i love, so what's the deal?

                          - hey - father?

the truth (i hope so)

i wish i could sing to you
my sweetest song of all
the one where i win
the heart of another
and reign supreme
throughout the land

the changes taking place
in the human race
would be my story to tell
and the victory of love
above all that's to come
would be as glorious
as Christ's resurrection

forever cherished,
never forgotten
always yours to be true
if only i had Jesus' grace
then maybe i too can be saved
by the truth.

my life, i have, i do

i have a home with a heart
where i enjoy peace of mind
furniture and books
and a precious gold coin
some musical instruments
which i play when i am blue
and a phone to call
all of those i accuse
of so many lies
i am so fond of telling
but i can't explain
that somehow i am hurting
someone i love
cannot be with me
and i don't have what it takes
to be reunited.

the horror of it all

i have to say
before the words escape me again
how horrified i am
with my parents mistakes
they insist i am wrong
about the feelings i have
for those i love
and the enemies who resist
my efforts to engage them
in a real conversation
about the lies they have told
to everyone who knows me
you talk about being 'fair'
well - what's fair about this -
i am so badly damaged
i am incapacitated.
have you ever thought
how cruel you have been
to force me down this path
of hostility
the conclusion is my imprisonment
for being caught in a gang
that has damaged many lives
and spilt blood across the land
and one further point
i have no choice but to prove
what the fuck is the Secretary of State
got to do with my heart?
like he feels how i feel
or even gives a rats ass
he's wealthy and powerful
but has never been asked
to take part in your conspiracy
to do as you ask
i am horrified and humiliated
you deserve nothing more
than to be damned and blast
and mourning for us all.

an extraordinary time - year B

i remind myself frequently
of all of the abuse
i suffered in silence
there's a constant voice
expressing its concerns
each time i recognise
who's lying.
there's too much trouble
waiting for me
just for setting forth
out the door
and the reason's why
i can't decide
except to say that
i am not wrong!

46. the well

the divine nature
of the hearts' changes
rhythm, rhyme
and persistant frustration
the only time
i think i'm happy
these days
is when i am thinking
of your sky blue eyes
so many wise words
and honesty
beat the rhythm
of my heart
bang on the drum
rattle the chains of plenty
and throw the trash out in the yard
`cause i'm in a gilded cage right now
and no enemy can bring me down
and though i had thought
i had something true to say
the words can't be formed
by my tongue.
so, this is my kiss - for your lips
it's no secret you warm my heart
you're so kind
and i want you to know
the original Theseus
was Lela Starr.

but be warned!
i must have told you
so many times before
there's a tiger in the street
the butlers' a shit
and the elephant stinks
for all it's worth.

the appliance of science ~#:+_}2

there is nothing
so frustrating
than a chance to wretch
i was missing the toilet
and bought an appliance
for my comforts' sake
i told the last one so many times
i that she was scewed
but the thoughts
i had cherished
well, there's my sex
and the washer woman
can't handle my jealousy
it's unfair, they cry!
i have no wife, no children
no scent to call my own -
 - and ridicule!
Ha! - so observant
i guess you believe
every perfume is used to cover
a greater lie to be rinsed from the dogs bed
reeks more than any pour homme i would have had
to beg of another the truth
then no more, i know i stink
if happiness is to be forever elusive
then grant me shame in my words,
dignity in my work
and intelligence in my Beko.

the mourning star a mourning after

the day returning
the evening before
spent alone and mourning
for all the loves i have not
no greater are the speckles of light
above my head
than the wishes i have had for nothing more
than some long missed dream of my youth
that was well spent in the company of strangers
for all of the blessings i craved
the praise,
the shame in dignity
as my mother would quote the Bible
proslytising God's good name...
i imagine she sings loudly,
- 'i lost my Son today - i am ever so proud!'
the Annunciation,
Corpus Christi,
Amazing Grace,
any of the songs of deep reverence
to those forces beyond our worldly thoughts
coming in from the blackest night as worries we cannot solve.
i apologise to those who i couldn't support
i never did forget you either
we just -
we just -
oui je -
well, we just didn't meet the same day
there was no right answer - just a confusion of morals
and my wish to be married!
though to be true,
had i known what it is to be a man of great learning
then i have no idea why i cared so much for one
and not at all for all others!

thought for the day!

every vile dirty creature
each hideous thing that crawls
all stinking things spitting bile
are worthless female scum

polemical reality

the beliefs i had
when i was a young man -
someone will love you
and they can't harm you
your mother and father
will always be there
smoking pot's inconsequential
and no one cares,
- working is easy -
- college is fun -
sex is a natural thing to be done
criminals are punished
and the government cares -
- that you inherit your birthright
and your parents' are yours.
your lifetimes' efforts
will not be in vain
hard work is rewarded
everyones' your friend!
may the good Lord beseech you
for proslytising his name
`cause the world is a witness
to the bad guys' shame!

bring me faith or death!

i was angry to witness
the evil nature
of human kind's plan
the evil ones' stature
hell, Lord above!
i was a witness
to his creation
only to find
there was no devil worse
than his only begotten Son
upon the cross
- had i never read,
the good news of John
or distributed his words
then i would not know
that every letters' a curse
the evil one
is toothless to challenge
the omnipotent power
of an unseen assassin
who'll bring
the whole world to an end
and bless those who discover
that something is wrong
with human nature
and the games
they play,
and then you will know that
'I am the Lord.'