i was diagnosed schizophrenic at 20 years of age, after a series of crisis' within my family and friendships. for many years i had been giving my best efforts to support my struggling friends in their lives, all of whom had much greater problems than i had suffered with up until that time in my life. at the time of my breakdown, i was struggling financially and emotionally after getting the sack from work and unintentionally making myself homeless after i [or for that matter my flatmate], smashed up our flat in a narced out rage. some short weeks later i had my first psychotic experience that i document in my first book, Dead City Streets.
for the first 6 years of my life as a schizophrenic, my life continued like nothing had happened though i did have regular periods of depression and anger [negative and positive symptoms respectively] and i was plagued by hallucinogenic visions of past abuse, violence, bullying and mental torture. these symptoms manifested themselves as intrusive thought processes and my own screaming out loud for the 'voices' to go away and leave me alone. it was a terribly lonely and strange time in my life and i am still fearful of what people may think of me, though i make my case that what was happening to me emotionally and psychologically was entirely involuntary. i could not control my dark thoughts and as such i couldn't control what i said - though i was careful what i did!
these years are captured in my second book 'Guilt, Shame and Poverty: Love, Loss, Betrayal.'
for the past 4 years i have been convalescing in my home town and surrounded by those people who have always known me. they understand my fissured personality and the work i create is easy for them to understand. i confess - we are not faint of heart! and i am glad of the friendships that remain, as over the years many people have caused my heart to think, 'what's the point?'
today i am still giving my best, to the fight for our rights to be treated humanely as living, breathing, walking and talking HUMAN BEINGS, who are constantly hungry for love, friendship, protection, honesty and trust as well as any number of other 'somethings' that remain undefined as such other than to be an 'event.'
i am philosophical about my experience of mental illness. to this day i could explain a million ways what it is to be schizophrenic but i feel few would really understand other than those suffering with it, and those who care for someone they love who has suffered with it. i don't like admitting it is a disease, i prefer understanding my experience as a period in my life, soon to be nothing but a memory; but i know this is for life. the anxiety of social situations, the paranoia of past friends and enemies, and fear of being alone all conspire in my mind to bring me down time after time and i know i am my own worst enemy.
but i can change that and i hope that i may grow and learn organically as an individual who has experienced schizophrenia and lived under its shadow, rather than become some statistic or tabloid column condemning me to death.
so, here's to me and my blog, my books and my family and friends.
cheers for the time we spent fighting. i hope we were worth it!
