mistakes

oh boy,
have i made some mistakes
the whole mind/body,
trust/commitment
and sex
dichotomy
and it did!
lessons learned
freedom promised,
responsibilities
rolled away like the stone
that blocks my escape
nothing more that can hinder
other than
government policies
and psychiatric assessments
i am sure to move
far from here
and start again,
alone -
but still looking for love
that's the mystery
and i am sure one day
my dream will come true.

baa humbug!

bearing down
upon me
the challenge that i face
hold up, raise the bar
before i scream
Wheest!
this anger eating at me
the pointed finger
and raised voice
chanting curse
you want to be bought -
- you want something
for free.
well, i've listened
and kept my patience
hunkered down
and turned the other cheek
but i am afraid, i know my mind
and none of you deserve a thing!
what is this criticism and screaming orders,
really all about?
if you don't like me then why for the love of me
do you come here
anyway?

the problem?

my education
has toughened me up,
broken me down
and allowed a perspective
that i didn't have.
when i was a younger man
i saw personal freedom
as everything
to be had,
well -
i still feel the same
though life
is'nt all it should be
i am thin on top
and desperate for company
i need someone to get me
and know all i am
not beat me to a pulp
because i am guilty,
somehow.

smeegle (preciooouuuusssss!)

threats
to my safety
are all too common
i am afraid to say
it's all my fault
that i am afraid i couldn't
keep my words
sealed tight
between my teeth
preach love and forgiveness
and turn the other cheek
but i worried,
i fretted and i cried with guilt
i had opinions on subjects
i was too afraid
to believe in
and all because
and i have to admit
i thought i was
abandoning the children
i haven't had yet.

the plain dealer

i have no voice.
my words,
spoken for my sanctity
of mind and body
are ignored;
in protest of others' mistakes
and questions.
i have no soul within me,
no deep faith
in the Nativity
of Our Virgin and Lord -
and even the sacredness of marriage
is but a cruel joke
played by a pimp
who has my number and address
calling on me
displaying his snake pit of vice
and control.
there is truly nothingness
on this empty road ahead of me
like a nincompoop,
i travel in exile
through Foulk - Stapleford
escaping the wrath
of those who doubt
i ever did.

a few words with myself

getting drunk alone
i have had a late night row
with my alternative
consciousness
and have discovered myself
something's wrong
with the world...
...and i know what it is.
the authorities in their wisdom,
have sanctioned
all kinds of abominations.
now, i know human nature
searches for itself
and yet does not recognise it's own appearance
like looking for its own reflection
in some dark, shadowy
looking glass.
demons and monsters
are usually what we see
because as it's said
misery loves company.

single androgynous female

total frustration
with who i am
i wish i was so much more
i would admire myself
for all i have done
how many loved me
i would rate myself
rather highly
if i could just
understand another woman
then i may feel
like i am worth it
instead i am stressed
and anxious as hell
because i dont know
how to love
myself.

i get the message...

ok, i got the message
it's a hard life for those that lead one
their are bargains to be had
and abuses you can definately do without
challenges, threats, conflict and subterfuge
weapons, wars and drug abuse
the common mans' law
is one of supreme justice
so they can subjugate the rebellious masses
but dear Lord,
i begged - 'am i not worthy?'
of your supreme devotion
i was promised a virgin!
well it's tough for me
because i got the message
bring on the professional hoes
if you're thinking of being married.

pucker up

canne get wed
canne get laid
canne get a job
or even betray my friends
who god bless 'em
yes,
i love all that they are
but they have low expectations of me
and they make demands that i can't -
- bargain with,
for want of some peace
they all cost tobacco
criticism and weed
and as for women
whoa - hoe!
it's just a blast from the past
i canne even have a relationship
till i kiss my family's arse.

shit monster

trouble at home
and in the street
old faces
i haven't seen in some time
are out looking for me
i worry for my safety
because i have known violence before
hatred is ugly
but jealousy is worse
and it's directed at me
by these shit monster
cretins
who i am told have an armoury
or threats and weapons
to carry out on me
in the next 10 years to come
because,
i made a list of what
i want to achieve on my own

last post 30/03/08 (blues diary)

there is a space in my life
where i craved to
fill the frame
and allow a relationship
to develop naturally
the time spent in vain -
alone,
has been sorry at last
but not without hope
family has filled the gap
where the love i craved
that would share my pain
has been forgiven and set to last
now my siblings
and their children
are my sole amusement
i am sorry for my past crimes.

yes, i know, i never had a father (the gospel according to an enlightened soul)

he was supposedly
an adult figure
and should have treated me
with respect and kindness,
to teach me right from wrong
in times to come
and find me a wife that's gorgeous
but instead he cheated and lied to me
because he would not have a Son like me
and so,
he did away with me as his own
so my mother had me beaten
and tortured
'i was your child!
and i didn't stand a chance!'
now my brothers' conspire to decieve me
my voice isn't heard
i am totally alone
and i don't have anyone to support me...
i not allowed a go at anything at all!
and i am sure none have ever loved me
i am in a fight i cannot win
because my Father, he has slain me.
he has passed me by for the very last time
and i say to you, for sure
it's you i wanted my whole life through
i never stopped searching for your thoughts,
hoping for your love,
and dieing for want of your words.

bad dream

waking,
in the evening
to find i have slept the whole day
through
i had a bad dream
a vision of catastrophe
so i wrote these words
for you
i am balding
and getting older
and with each passing day
i gain a gram of fat on my waistline
and so i have to ask...
where has my innocence gone to?
my youth was a line of white
crystals
a big black, blind hole
in my retina
and and amnesty
of knives and pistols.

son of man

sleep...
beneath the lake
of llyn llyndaw
in the clwyddian range
i hear the crash of falling rocks
and the voice of an old friend
a cry of - 'Hello...!'
sounds across the valley
from glaslyn to llyn teryn
gareth wakes,
'Shane!' he whispers -
'you're talking in your sleep again...'
 - 'sorry.'
i lie upon my belly
with an eye to the sky above
when a satellite shoots over the earth
like the star gareth's wishing on
but it's the words
of the majestic mountain
sacred symbol of timeless wisdom
that has captured my thoughts
imagination and awe
on snowdon
i hear the voice of sweet Jesus.

porn star

cheap whore, outside the offy
drinks cheap wine from the bottle
talks to her twin about picking me up
but i dont stop to pick up sluts
though its true, i liked the video
but i dont want to take part in the studio
and so i went home to get some rest
drink my beer and smoke cigarettes.
then the following morning
on my commute to work
i passed by her walking alone
to the constabulary
she wears the bruises
of an evening of sex, drugs and violence.

9/12/07 brotherly love

my brothers hate me
and want to kill my name
they beat and abuse me
my name is a curse
i have no protection
from their devious wit
i cannot defend
what i make of it
i made a resolution
to keep what is mine
because i have no friends
on whom i can depend
so what on earth pray tell me
can i do?
about continuing to live
under the duress of you two.

9/12/07 forlorn romance

falling in love
for the very first time
with someone so special
i have known
for some time
it's a childish romance
or a dim - witted
dalliance,
a hopeless reminder
i have no chance
but won't people pity me
someday
when i get my chance
to fall in love
with the perfect
romance.

28/11/07 new character

inspiration
is'nt in me
a cause is needed
to write about
and put use
to my imagination
let my words flow out
about,
what could be -
or has been?
questions should be asked
of these characters of mine
who are you?
where are you?
and can i champion
what i am writing about?

28/11/07 day job dreams

early rising
to start my day
take time for some exercise
and write a page
switch on the tv
and watch the breakfast news
take a bath
and go the loo
dress for working
outside of town
cleaning off my working boots
with a mortar trowel
the day has just started
what will it bring
a curse, a blessing
or will my heart sing?

27/11/07 sperm bank

so your name's Vicky
i had thought it was Liz
i had given up on meeting you
i have totally given in
i wondered what had happened
to you one time
all those years ago
when we were in year 9.
did you get married?
did you have a few kids?
get a job at Tesco's?
or go to University?
well i just made some time
for writing stories -
and smoked a lot of dope
got drunk in local bars
and choked the chicken a lot.

26/11/07 L.A.F.S

now -
back then
when i really dont remember
i was living
in some special place
writing down my dreams
chasing rainbows downstream
and trying to find that face.
love at first sight
i cant ever forgive you
i think i remember your name
because i know
i cant replace you
and i dont want to see you again.

26/11/07 the gopsel of the virgin

long past a boy
before i grew a man
i did feel for someone special
someone i loved,
somehow
i need to remember that person
who they were
and why?
i wanted them here with me
sharing my waking life.
i guess i love another,
or have forgotten how to love at all
somehow i seek and discover
what this life is for.

26/11/07 morbid reason

smoke rises
and fills the room
outside evening passes
unaware of my reason
for writing this
has someway of making sense
i find my old work
disturbing
but also amusing
in the present tense
i feel anxious 'sudden
is my future waiting near?
the way i came,
- thatta way...
to here is strange
all i am is severed
and i can be alone i pieces
with me here, right now -
right now?

23/11/07 my best friend

you once cared deeply
about our friendship
but over the years we grew distant
not sharing the best with me
of all the moments
where we would drink and smoke
and play in the band
and i had hoped
that we would remain the best of friends
but this is'nt what you want
instead we both blame
each other,
for what cannot be solved
until love finds us
we must make it alone.

23/11/07 always the best man

why me?
why am i to be compared,
to the greater weight of Paul
does anyone love me
or am i on my own
can i be certain my wish will be granted
or am i to be much maligned
and guilty of malpractice
how do you win the heart of another
is it won with cunning
or just lay back and court her
i need a witness to prove that i love
though none are so true
as to deny i do?

23/11/07 : try and try again

i saw a comet pass
upon a blazing evening sky
where i was once despairing
i have grown and tried again

woken to a new day
i must attempt to start again
and my work is important to me
as it replaces a dear lost friend

for a short while i wish to discover
the meaning of who i am
so i can be alive and free
to try and try again.

14/11/07

i didn't mean to hurt my old dad
i am truely sorry for my dirt
he was ever present in my life
for want of a few kind words.
he grew old and lonely, slowly
never did phone or call
except for when he had the chance
i am sorry my old man
but i have learned
you're the only one who could teach me
on how to be a man
i learned from your example
and feel like a little lamb.

13/11/07

without a reason
to be in vogue
i am rejected
an outcasted fool
never loved,
i never cared,
for what is mine is also theirs.
i have suffered
and been stretchered out
left without reason
and never sought out.
wishing someone may cause me joy
and allow me to reckon
that i can fall...
reaching for reason
my inspiration is stress
these ideas swim lucid
in the mind of the depressed.

13/11/07

past friends and lovers
have become enemies and whores
vengence has been threatened
and lives have been bought
for their benefit
they use my ways
to suit themselves
and i am estranged
i never struck out or challenged your name
but you dont like me
so why should i be afraid,
to leave you lacking
in the lurch
fuck you all i have had enough
to get me through this
just leave me alone
i still dont need you
i am happy at home.

my wedded valentine

when i saw her last
visiting with friends
she was married with children
we were just friends
but not so much
as we were once
she was my lover and all i could want.
now i am sorry
for my ignorant youth
i could have loved her
but what was the use?
she's always with friends
and yet i am alone,
calling telephone psychics
begging she come home.

ghost ship

dark thoughts on a saturday
thinking of our father
chop wood, paint fence,
dig a pool for water
a gaggle of ducks
fly east across my window
good luck in attending
to seagoing vessels
i called a psychic, late this morning
i was brooding on fears
about my appearance
why do people hate me
he told me its the money,
you have a financial future
and thats all he could promise.

13/11/07

bringing together the parts i missed
forgetting transgressions
for which i am blessed
i dont hate to be any more
those things i once was
are left too far
away from me to care too much
and i can respect the subjects
on which we have touched -
- on to allow
an understanding to develop
relationships flourish and i smile.
making music,
writing books,
working hard and giving up drugs.

the blues diary

hi there and welcome back to my continued contributions to the mental health debate!

i have been gone a little while so i may complete my second published piece of literature, Guilt, Shame and Poverty: Love, Loss, Betrayal...

this particular piece of work focuses on my development over the past 10 years as i recovered from my diagnosis with schizophrenia. the book works around the tale of my grandfather, a Nazi war criminal, who's legacy remains rooted into the my family's prejudices towards mental illness. as the protagonist (myself) tells the story we discover his relationship with his family is far from stable and yet he has nothing but love for the children in his care... but still he is told to push off and discover for himself the meaning and value of a relationship. though, if he is not to be manipulated by those who care for him, then he is going to need his grandfathers help...

but until then i shall be posting excerpts from my Blues Diary. written around 2007/8 the poems contained therein are largely about my relationships with my family and dare i say it? the children in their care.

i think i should say no more and just post the poems as i read them and hopefully i shall have a grateful and broadminded audience that isnt so prejudiced about mental health issues they judge me according to their own narrowminded stereotypes.

stars

stars,
in the window
dazzling bright lights
between the roar of the motorway
and the place i live
with the knowledge
the Refinery is all that there is
i had the good thought
to witness this
vision of a city - scape
that would shame a metropolis
a series of smoking chimneys
mistaken for towerblocks
the illusion glimmers
like a view from above
across the town i live
the bonfires burn.

new address

hi there and welcome to Dead City Streets, a blog writing from and about the streets of Merseyside.

i have recently changed address to a new part of town, facing out across the industrial area of ellesmere port. the view from my window is reminiscent of Blade Runner and i hope that is what i am creating from my workstation, situated in my kitchen of my apartment.

newcomer's to the blog should check out the most recent entries and maybe buy my book - Dead City Streets from Amazon, (the link is available on the right hand side of the page - click the image) and then go on to have a read of the rest of the poems available on this page and the others'.

the purpose of my writing this blog is to explore my diagnosis with paranoid schizophrenia, my hallucinations, my worries, anxieties and fears - all stuff that may remind you of some difficult period of your life when you, yourself tripped out on the doubts you may have had over your earlier years of being an adult.

i dont mean to make anyone afraid or repulse some widely held opinion. i merely hope to give my opinion on topic issues such as those found in the newspapers, the web, on TV and elsewhere in the media, but all with a schizophrenic slant. satire and hypocrisy to the utmost!

but still, i hope you enjoy your stay here with some of the most crazed and contraversial witterings on the net.

this isnt in vain, i am sure to have at least one nasty incident before my creative urges send me to oblivion.

but then we wouldnt be having fun, would we?

schizoid neighbours

from raging, haunting and shameful beginnings
i listened till the tortuous, bitter end
plumbing the depths to find the firstborn.
and though i implore my certainty
i ignored the noise, distracting me from slumber
though i could not demand the resolution
that she was in fact not one of my own.
and to the one thing that plagues my conscious mind,
'Lies!' i scream,
mindful that others' are watching me
listening and repeating those cussed words
even when i dont sleep sound.
but the clairvoyant knowing,
makes my blood boil
each time
the raised voices make themselves heard.

new year blues

the darker nights are passing me by
the solitude i feel is hurting
like -
- barbed wire, cutting into the pit of my stomuch
it's been so long since i loved as i should have
sex and romance,
relationships and friends,
there's too much conflict for me to pretend
that all is well in the land of Nod.
i've too many adversaries, to go on
as i was

a few words with God

i've been betrayed by friends
i was dependant on for survival.
i've been taken for an idiot
by spiritualist mediums.
i have begged for a love
to call all my own,
only to be presented with problems
that i cannot possibly solve.
i've been lead by the nose
to desperation and breakdown.
i've been challenged on a love
where i cannot bear witness,
to it's making or passing...
and i know of no God
who can grant me my solitude
without being set upon.

swan song

an assault on my sex
i have been challenged to explain
why i made the decision
to go it alone.
well,
i am tired of false loves
and miserable thai's
based on manipulation,
cheating and lying
betrayals of such magnitude
my hope was dying.
i've been stabbed in the back
for forgiving a wrong
and screamed at to change
when i have reached my swan song.

dream of the marsh

the hill is much too steep
for me to reach the monument
of old time religion
and the 21st century spirit
an idiot must have mislead me
as i slipped on down the valley
to where my ship steams in,
at last
and i have 3 wheels on my wagon.

change has been a good thing
in my life it is the only constant
it's my spirit and my hope
& i have no other religion
and though the spirit is still within me
i find it hard to make a commitment
to anyone other than friends and family
the rest is just a source of amusement.