Tuesday 29 December 2009

take my life, not my liberty!

i need a strong love
but none will believe me
friends offer to cheat, steal and decieve me
i need to trust
and feel the love
i don't want to be abused
or suffer someone.
i don't want to cry
in shame or pain
i don't want love to forget my name
i am tired of forgiveness,
compassion and patience.
give me a sexy, mysterious woman!
i have fair friends
who cheat and betray me
present me with problems
and try to decieve me
i feel the fear of losing someone
so dear to me,
but i am holding on
to the dream i have
of waking each morning
listening to her voice
talking beside me
i can see her face
and hear her words
i can't be mistaken
this must be love.

Sunday 20 December 2009

to old friends and enemies [at christmas]

dear friends of old
it is a shame
that we cannot be
what we were always meant to be
for each other.
people change, usually because
they have suffered some unfair treatment
at some point in their lives.
we have all treated each other unfairly
and that is probably why i am no longer with you.
i couldn't stand to remain in the frame
of the lies, degredation, hostility and intimidation.
i know why i chose not to have children.
or a lover, partner, job - whatever!
but i keep on trying,
i won't give up.
but because you're not here with me...
i least my life is my own.
i can make my own decisions,
and i am satisfied with that.

fairweather friend

So we don't agree
And lie to one another
with words of conceit
We keep each other
Waiting in vain
For a better friend's arrival
We share our bad times
And concentrate on survival.
We drink for the good
And spend our time smoking weed
But dear friend, my values have changed
And even though our aquaintance is casual
We are only at best,
Good friends of yesterday
Since my lover has left.

Tuesday 15 December 2009

lucid thought

back then,
i cared little for the facts of life
i had invested complete trust
in the future.
surely the conflict
would grind to a halt,
someday.
but it's the bullies that always win.
when i was 28
i realised the cause of all my sickness
the voices, rage, taunts and tears,
where all the dissenting voices
of those who wished me harm.
and had zero respect for my heart's malaise.
shame on you!
they say,
you abandoned us and took a girl for your own...
but it was the love i craved.
not a bag of shit!

Monday 14 December 2009

strike fear into my heart then...

lies, deceit and children.
i know deep in my heart
the slut that ruined me as as a boy
took away 8 years of my life
and stabbed me in the chest
as i left through the front door.
5 years have passed
and i fear the same may become
of me again,
i live in absolute terror of the call
that shall sink,
my hope and my heart.
those children were never mine,
and i am well aware
of what is happening behind my back
paranoid?
i am afraid not...
i fear a bitter end to my search for love.
this shall be the death of me.

revelation

its wrong,
that i am held back
by those who refuse
to support my agenda
because they think i will lose.
i have but one chance at life to take.
to live by my dream
the way i would have liked.
i never stood in the way
of anyone else's motives
but the world conspires
to cheat me
of all i love...
what's the problem?
why so serious?
... i have been a witness,
to one beast of a Jesus.

Saturday 12 December 2009

tagged

i found her
through technology
i used for comfort
my balls are bust
and i daren't love her
Aleicha K,
or should that be Kim
i lost you to the fear
that i may not win.
who is to say that
i cannot be cherished
and loved as i would have
if i was married.
i beg of you,
please show me some mercy.
my heart has been broken
many times already.

Thursday 10 December 2009

garden lane

i am glad to be alive
now my heart beats blood
around my body
instead of the venom
of old conflicts with friends
and old lies
that haunt me
belittle my mind
and seem to cause these
night terrors and anxieties
fear and loathing
that have been banished
by a thought that won me over.
a dream i had of a beautiful woman
who let me lay in her arms
and share a sofa.

Wednesday 9 December 2009

the ghost of christmas past

lonesome nights.
in the still choking air
acrid smoke in my eye
and tea on tap.
i worry about having the courage
to ask for some company.
it's only fair in this life
that i may relate as other's do.
and so i cast a spell
for 37 dollars
and wished that i may live again
with the ghost of some dear memory.
yes, i have begged of the sky
to grant me the resolution
to see fit,
that i may love as some other's do
i wished...?

...i really have no idea what i wished for.

Thursday 3 December 2009

thoughts of madness (on old draft)


nothing changes. left away in solitude surrounded by objects of labour and passion, plenty happens here at home, but all is lost to amusement, not gain. my plans for the future i have already known went awry long ago in the past when i could enjoy life for what it offered. now it just presents its curse of solitude and long held dreams failed, letting disapointment and resentment settle heavy in my heart; causing me psychoses and other labours of the soul. whispers, insulting me in silence, stir me to shout my innocence out loud to the four walls, should they hear my protest. though none foster and fewer care for my wellbeing, my beliefs are sentiment to my own derision and failure, to be as good as the next man...

Tuesday 1 December 2009

lone star

I am a lone star wandering
An empty vessel of what is to come
Drifting across the winds of change
Under a setting sun.
Love is not lost within me,
Promises have been made and cherished and loved.
Though i remain a bachelor of arts
Believing something good will come,
Of this hope
And hope springs eternal,
As every vision of joy lets me see.
I wake with daydreams of beautiful things
And there is much more to know -
Because,
I am a lone star wandering
And empty vessel of what is to come
Drifting across the winds of change
Under a setting sun.

Monday 30 November 2009

what is really important

I sit here, just before 12am in the morning writing this journal to consider what is important.

We are taught from an early age by our parents, our extended family, school and even possibly, the Church, what is important in our lives.

But, I beg the question: On whose authority, are any of these testimonies in any way true?

First of all, [and this is the challenge I have set myself], can we reject the teachings of Jesus ? He had many anecdotes to share with us on love, forgiveness and our commitment to Sin. These are the core values of Western society, but here in the 21st century, in my time and in all my life, many have proved false.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no AntiChrist, but if we are to accept the Gospel as the word of some omnipotent being, let’s call him Christ; then, we cannot put our faith in human nature.

I wish to challenge this assumption.

So, thereby we are left with the education bestowed upon us by our family and the terminal institutions of society: These being primarily, education and the Law.

Recently, Government and even the media have had their say in the direction of the average citizens’ life. Whether it be the genocide of sex offenders or the placating of the masses when greedy bankers swallow your pension and savings and claim we’re all in it together. Apparently the economy’s crashed.

I think not, Government has bought the banks and made a loss on our behalf !

To add weight to this debate, we also find the wheels of justice prone to mistakes and even greater errors of no pilfering sum. We are talking real lives here. Even Government is in disarray over who holds power wisely, without abusing their position.

- Here, I pause to think of Christ’s work. – His message is clear, so am I wrong to discredit his words. [Seeing as that is all he has left us with].

You would think our institutions, the one’s we take for granted, would be benign in their mandate and the influence they have over us. They should not demand respect, or even command it. So maybe they should continue to placate us with lofty ideals, spin doctors, oratory and propaganda.

In fact they do… Nothing wrong with that I say, so long as we have free will: The right to make our own conscious decisions.

So, we come to the family.

The family unit has taken a lot of schtick in the latter part of the 20th century, even though all of us have been raised according to its’ primary values.

- Respect your parents, elders and betters, - no – cancel the last one. We are all born equally and we all die alone, in poverty.

I can guarantee you that much is true.

So why do we respect our parents [assuming we do] so much, even if they forgot us, abused us or took our name away.

Is it because when we were young we were conditioned by their rules, temper and demands ? Or was it unconsciously, we knew we could not survive without the hand that fed us, held us and smacked our arse when we had too much of a good time?

- I am sure I am due one soon.

No, I believe the family is good and is the sole consolation in the maddening world, after drugs, drink, sex, cigarettes and pornography that occupy’s any healthy person’s psyche.

It provides support, understanding, compassion, camaraderie and commitment. If it weren’t for your family, your parents included, you would never have been born.

So what are we born of ?

Christianity say’s Divine Love. God’s Love for the world and mankind [And womankind, of course].

So, is the humane question of the righteous treatment of our common folk, really the human element ?

Can human nature be at all freely given or is it to be disrespected and ignored.

And Love Is…?

Or is it…?

Which brings me back to Jesus. His anecdotes don’t give us much to go by, but in his wisdom he gave us free will and the right mind to make conscious decisions on our own behalf.

To love God for our only life here.

Or so it would seem and – if I have been fooled, then fool me. Sometimes it is our only choice when we have no other, and I am one of many.

Sure, life can be confusing and bitter at times but what would we be without the goodness and patience of human beings like you and me; our families, traditions, neighbours and friends.

And dare I even say it…, children.

You see, today my older Brother had his first child born to him and his partner at 10.22pm on the 25th November 2009.

They called her Sheraleigh Leah.

Surely Jesus loves us still and this old world has life to go ?

I can think of no worldly beast that could explain to me why I am motivated to write these words to myself under the title of…

- ‘What Is Really Important’

Sunday 29 November 2009

running away

Leaving home for the last time
I never wanted to go back
The colour of the room
Was making me ill,
My mother
Kept on giving me the shove.
I had nowhere i could call sanctuary
I couldn't rest and so,
I took my leave
On a November eve.
I took my dog and pipe
Closed the door on the world i knew,
And set off into the night.

I walked my dog passed all the places
That had ever broken my heart
Girls, friends, people and places
In which i had played a part.

Nothing was insignificant,
All sense came within reason
I had lost out on life
Because of crippling, fearful, emotions.

Saturday 28 November 2009

my friend's marriage proposal

He spoke
Goading me on his success
In his new relationship
I shyed away from my own ineptitude
Within this love affair
Worried i will always be alone.
And so i helped him to another beer
And continued to broach the subject
With pride and respect.
He ducked the challenge
When i asked for a cigarette.
So, i said,
I'm brown bread, dead in the head.
That's what you said?
'Yes! he cried.
'Fine,
I had given up.
'But do you love her?'
He shrugged and held his tin tight.

Because i am sure,
She will put hair on your chest...
And a hole in your arse!

Thursday 26 November 2009

*8 Cups.

why am i so fucking hated
to be abused with threats of sex
and teased on things
i wish to bring
into my life again.
i had a dream of love, a union
with the earth beneath my feet
spring all around
flowers in the ground
i meet with challenge again
where are the forces
of good and love
when all is set to evil
i never knew how
this situation came about
where i am the only believer
so let me know
how to show
that i do wish to be loved
and all else
for all it is worth
can go and fuck itself!

Wednesday 25 November 2009

always, forever, but never my own.

The cornflower blue
Hue of the walls
The other inhabitants
Residing in rooms
The hospital scheme
Of the CIC
I'm only here
Because no one wants me.
I'm not allowed to think for myself
Except when writing these words
I am something else
This criminal society
Has gotten me down
I've been promising forever
But it's not my time.
Here in my room
I guess it is over,
This is the last time
I will write to my lover
I've tried Guru's and psychics
But none can tell,
Who i am in love with
Or how to break the spell.

Saturday 21 November 2009

a day in the life...

My morning routine
To the sound of passing engines
I wake irritated
Because my Guru has told me
Los Angeles Cafe
Won't love you
Dear Aries, my friend
I pour out the coffee
And consider 'what next.'
Outside people walk to the bus stop
And gather
There's a brief hush of silence
As i consider my secret
My thoughts are with you
It's the challenge that i face
I relax in the bath to the sweetest tete a tete,

Then to exit music
- A chorus of birdsong
I wipe bitter tears
From the darkening sun
I take up my keys
And slammed closed the door
My head is a blank
But it should be
My heart.

Thursday 19 November 2009

DCS

The streets are dark, cold and wet
My mind is numb but i ain't forgotten
Yet -
The time i spent searching the road
For that someone who had a home
Was futile and sorry, that is my quarry
I was lost to the world and that is my story
The anger,
The rage,
The frenzied taunts
Of these damned hallucinations
In my thoughts
Tell me of ruin, disaster and curse
Of all the desires i have brought
Upon myself, demanding a partner
I still have friends
But crave a lover.

Wednesday 18 November 2009

cheating death

Jacob and Marley
Unlike that miser Scrooge
Have never understood the message
Alf Garnet, in his wisdom
'Til' Death Us Do Part'
Couldn't avoid death and marriage
But for my bloody neighbour
Arthur Timmins,
90 years isn't enough
He's avoided the Grim Reaper
Like a fucking Houdini
Escaping a pair of handcuffs!

Tuesday 17 November 2009

SchizophreniaDiaries.com - Anonymous Good News Schizophrenia Story

blue jesus - [my first poem this year].

Sitting beneath
High mountainpeaks
At the foot of the valley
In summer
I slept and dream't
Of the Son of Man
Some dear friend i once knew
The Saviour
My prayer is fraught
With contemplation
Of all, i may fear the worst
This supernatural spirit
Please my good Lord,
-Forgive me.
In all my efforts to change the world.

Monday 16 November 2009

welcome to my second attempt at my blog!

hi there!

welcome all my invited guests to view my blog, here at:

http://deadcitystreetsuk.blogspot.com.

as you may know, i have attempted to write one of these things before but chosen the wrong material as subject matter... [excuse the rustling of crisp packets and the profanities of the neighbours, bear with me and i shall remedy this situation.]

and so this time i am only submitting the material used during my coursework on the open university's creative writing diploma. that being, short stories, poems, thoughts of interest, nagging doubts and finally, dreamy sketches of whoever may be getting my rocks off that week!

i may also be writing back to myself about my early work, written during my bout of mental illness that plagued my twenties.

my family would understand!

so here's to you, kids; thanks for joining me and i hope for some major ass kicking in future.

we live and we learn... live and learn. plan to make some mistakes, you may never, ever regret them!

yours

SrL*8